You know those contests they do (you know, “them.”  They’re always doing stuff) on the radio—the ones where they play a “secret sound” and the first caller to guess it correctly wins? The sounds are always really obscure, and I’m always amazed when someone finally gets it.

“Is it the buzzin’ sound the big ol’ lights at the stadium make when they turn ‘em on?”

For real? How do you figure that one out? Because if I’m ever in a stadium when the lights come on, what I hear is the sound of a 10-year old boy going “bee-da-bee-da-bee-da-bee-da-laaaaaaaa-zzzzzzzzzz-laaaaaaa-bee-da–” and an adolescent girl telling her pre-adolescent brother to STOP MAKING RANDOM NOISES, and the sound of a 6 year old commenting on what everyone is wearing and why is it so hot and didn’t we bring any hot dogs because she just is NOT a sandwich person, and the sound of a toddler calling “down? down? down? down? walk? walk? down? down?” and the sound of a grown man who is able to pay oblivious attention to whatever it is that we paid to see. It’s people like him who know what the stadium lights sound like, I guess.

Why can’t it ever be a sound I’m familiar with? Like the sound of crunching metal that precedes the writing down of license place numbers and swapping of insurance information? I’d get that one. Or the high-pitched whine that says you’ve just vacuumed up something that shouldn’t ever be vacuumed up. Oh yeah, my hair kinda stood on end just typing that.

“Is it the sound a cat makes when a toddler drags it around the house by its neck?”

“I’m going to guess that’s the sound of a VHS cassette being smashed against a stained concrete floor.”

“It sounds to me like a container of Clorox wipes being vibrated off of the top of an unbalanced washing machine full of towels.”

“That would be the sound of a 10 year old boy quickly pushing the ‘pause’ button on the remote control and holding his breath so that his mom doesn’t find out he’s watching tv instead of doing his multiplication tables.”

If only they’d use one of those, I could win their little contest. Of course, with my luck the prize would be tickets for the whole family to attend an event in a stadium. I’ll try to listen for the lights….

Tags: adolescent girl, Clorox wipes, Narrator, radio contest, secret sound, Soundtrack, stadium lights, toddler

My thought for the day:  Almost nothing is so bad that a little dancing won’t help. Unless you’re as uncoordinated as I am, in which case you could end up stepping on a stray Little People princess, causing you to almost drop the 30-pound-bag-of-water-with-a-ferret-inside that you’ve been struggling to keep on your hip during a particularly lovely little salsa number, at which point you might overcorrect by putting forth increased effort to lift the aquatic-ferret child, throwing your back out and resulting in a conversation with your children about why they are never to say certain words, even if Mommy accidentally says them in cases of extreme stress or pain. Hypothetically speaking, of course….

What’s on my to-do list: You’re probably surprised that someone like me has a to-do list. That’s okay, because I don’t. What I do have is a somewhat tenuous grasp on a vague category of events that need to take place and which will only take place if set into motion by me.

A few of these things at the moment: email Dallas Theater Center about tickets for Death of a Salesman; call propane company–again–and remind them that we’ve had this little chat about them being highway robbers many times before; quickly open washing machine full of wet towels that have been there since Monday and pour in a big slog of white vinegar and re-run the load; work on manuscript; go pick up heartworm medicine at the dog vet; call the horse vet to come check out Ri’s potentially-new horse; —you know what? As much fun as this little exercise is, you and I both know that it ain’t gonna happen. So why don’t I just quit pretending and move on….

What I’m listening to:  The Song of the Yodeling Veterinarian of the Alps. Okay, so I’ve been wanting to do a little “what I’m listening to” for a while now. And in truth, I’d hoped to be listening to something more indicative of my spirit, like Famous Blue Raincoat (Leonard Cohen) or Solitary Man (Neil Diamond).  Maybe some Dvorak, although I find it maddening to actually type “Dvorak” because of that whole missing “zh” thing.

But the soundtrack of my life on this day is—as is so often the case—Veggietales Ultimate Silly Songs. It’s not a total loss, though. I may not get to anything on my to-do list today, but when it’s all said and done I will be able to say that I learned to play Song of the Cebu on the piano. That, at least, is something….

Tags: dancing, Dvorak, Famous Blue Raincoat, ferret, heartworm medicine, laundry, Leonard Cohen, Little People, Neil Diamond, Solitary Man, Song of the Cebu, to-do list, uncoordinated, veggietales, vet, vinegar, wisdom