First, a warning: This is for grown-ups only. Not that it’s anything bad, it’s just about all that icky kissy-face lovey-dovey stuff that you find repulsive anyway. So if you’re my daughter or one of her friends that friended me on FB, go back to playing Farmville. Nothin’ to see here. Move along.
In my last post, I shared three of my tips for rockin’ your marriage. Again, they’re not in order according to importance. In fact, if I had to pick my favorite, it would be this next one.
Four. Don’t nag. Anyone who’s ever watched a TV sitcom knows that men don’t like to be nagged. What you don’t find out until after your married is that their definition of nagging is fairly broad, including any sentence starting with “can you,” “would you,” “did you,” or “I wish you.”
Pretty much kills the honey-do list, don’t it?
Okay, here’s the game plan: Next time you catch your hubby in the process of doing something helpful–even if it’s something as menial as putting the seat down or something he does without being asked, like mowing the lawn–watch him. When he turns around and sees you, smile, do the lip-biting thing, let your eyelids flutter a little while breathing through puckered lips (practice this first to make it all natural, so he doesn’t think you’re having a seizure or something) and say: “That makes me so hot.”
He will probably think you’re being a total goofball, or that you’re teasing him. Here’s where the most important part of this whole scheme–I mean marriage building strategy–comes in. Follow through. And when you follow through, make sure you remind him what got you so hot in the first place.
Now, I’m NOT talking about sex as a reward. Don’t go there–it’s dangerous, because the flip-side becomes withholding sex as a punishment. Don’t ever do that. Ever. Bad. More about this later.
On to the next step of our plan. Let’s say you have a honey-do item you really need your honey to do. The first time, I happened to need the suitcases put up in the attic. Corner your hubby. Get close, hands on pecs or shoulders, nibble his ear and whisper: “You know what would make me really hot? If when I got back from the grocery store, the suitcases were put away in the attic so I didn’t trip on them on my way into the bedroom.”
If you don’t play this right, he’s going to feel duped. This is where you plant the big, passionate kiss on him. A little tease is okay, too. If he laughs, or shoots you one of those “you are so kidding me” looks, assure him that you are completely serious. Oh–and slap his butt on your way out of the room. That’s good, too.
More likely than not, he will comply with your request. Again–follow through. And your regular-old Tuesday night routine isn’t going to cut it. You promised him that not tripping over the suitcases was going to make you really hot. Step it up, sistah.
In the unlikely event that he doesn’t comply, you’re going to have to repeat a step, just increase the intensity to let him know you’re really, really serious. You might even make a small good faith payment up front.
5. NEVER use sex as a punishment. Ever. Dangerous, relationship-killing stuff here. Just don’t do it. Now, that being said, there are times when we women can be so wounded that intimacy isn’t a happy thought. It’s okay to have that talk with your hubby. Let him know–without blame or accusing words–that you feel hurt (did you get that? Not “you hurt me,” or “you did this wrong.” Say something like “I’m feeling hurt because of…”), and that in order to be intimate a woman needs to feel safe and open with her husband.
In my experience, the best time to have this talk is snuggled up in bed. Even if you’re mad and hurt, cuddling up in his arms will encourage the feelings of safety you need. And your hubby’s less likely to be defensive in the dark with your face pressed against his chest. Of course, he probably has other incentive to listen to your side and make up. This isn’t the time to get caught up in what his motivations are. I’ll fill you in on a little secret: 98% of a man’s motivations in a relationship are related to sex. That might be a conservative estimate. As long as you are more winsome than whiny, this kind of pillow talk can be more valuable than all the money you could ever throw at a marriage counselor. Especially if you’re doing that touching him on the right side of his body thing while you’re talking.
And a final gem of wisdom: If you want to be treated like a treasure, act like a treasure. Wherever you are in your marriage right now, stop and ask yourself this question: Do I want to be head-over-heels in love with a man that feels the same way about me? Do I want knock-the-world-off-its-axis love, the kind that curls my toes and makes people wonder what the heck I’m smiling about? Just say yes, because trust me–it totally rocks.
It takes two to make a marriage work. But it takes ONE to start the process. Don’t worry about whether your mate is doing his share. You can’t control that. But you can influence it. And telling him that he’s doing everything wrong is going to have the wrong kind of influence. Act like a treasure. Be the woman he can’t wait to come home to. Be the woman he can’t keep his hands off. Set your alarm to go off 20 minutes before he gets home from work, and go put on some make-up and perfume.
It doesn’t mean you have to be June Cleaver (thank GOD, because I would so be sunk….). But make the effort. Tell him what you appreciate about him. Tell him how sexy he is. Even if–no, ESPECIALLY if–he’s growing a bald spot and his six-pack abs show that he’s had a few too many six packs. Smile. Let your words be sweet. Make him feel loved, and he probably won’t be able to keep from reciprocating. Trust me, the pay-off is well worth the effort.
I went to a party recently. You know, those Tupperware-ish parties, only this wasn’t Tupperware. It was a Pure Romance party. And yes, it’s pretty much exactly what you’re thinking. The hostess was a dear friend of mine from Church, and she has made a ministry of helping women reignite and keep the spark in their marriages.
When the time came to order, one of the guests–a very conservative looking woman in her 50s–held up one of the sample bottles of lotion and whispered to me, “My husband will think I’ve lost my mind if I come home with any of this stuff. I just don’t know how he’ll react!” I smiled and said, “Honey, I can tell you exactly how he’ll react!”
I hate to generalize, because someone always lets me know that THEY are the exception to the rule, and I’m sure this is no exception to the exception rule. Men are, for the most part, slaves to a certain part of their anatomy. Not a big secret, right? And it’s not a bad thing.
After all, it makes them a whole lot easier to figure out….
