On my very first post (About the chaos), I said that this blog would not improve your life. Except for the free tidbit about using a blowdryer to defog your bathroom mirror, I think I’ve done a pretty admirable job of following through on that promise.

But as I prepare to celebrate 19 years of wedded bliss, I’m feeling the urge to impart some marital wisdom, so I hereby revoke the aforementioned commitment to irrelevance in favor of invoking something relevant about commitment.

You might be wondering about my qualifications at this point. I mean, lots of couples end up being married a long time, but nobody’s searching Amazon for Archie Bunker’s Relationship Guide. Let me just say that we have had our ups and downs, we have weathered near-bankruptcy, the birth of a special needs child, and the shoulder-to-shoulder building of a house, and we are more madly in love today than ever. I’m talkin’ toe-curling, make-me-blush, knock-the-world-off-its-axis love.

For the most part, I think having that kind of relationship is a choice. Sure, there are lots of people whose Prince (or Princess) Charming turned out to be a bona fide toad. Not a cute little croaking frog, but a nasty, poison-oozing, get-that-thing-off-my-back-porch toad. But most of the time, I think it’s a matter of perspective, of seeing the frog in ourselves and realizing that if this person really was perfect, they’d no doubt be smart enough to realize they were too good for us (I pray The Hubby never figures this out).

So here, in no particular order (because I’m only halfway through my cuppa tea, and since I’m still out of English Breakfast tea I’m drinking white tea, which tastes kinda like wet dog smell mixed with chewing tobacco, and it’s not even hot anymore, more like lukewarm. So there’s no way I’m going to be able to intentionally come up with anything resembling “order.”), are a few of my secrets to a happy marriage.

1. Take it when you can get it. There is nothing sexier to a husband than the sight of his wife washing dishes. Or vacuuming. Or folding laundry. The same man who–when sitting down to the lovingly prepared meal of all his favorite foods that you slaved over half the day–can lick his plate clean, belch, and never register any emotion whatsoever will see you standing over a sink full of dishes, unshowered, hair pulled up in a My Little Pony headband you found under the couch when you were looking for the Baby Einstein DVD that the 3-yr-old was having an absolute meltdown over, up to your elbows in soap suds, and think “I’ve gotta have that woman now.”

If you’re married, you’ve been there. And you’ve probably said the same thing I said for the first 10 years or so of my marriage, some hostile version of “Are you crazy?”

I think it must be tied to the whole predator/prey thing. You know–the predator spies the prey in a vulnerable situation and then pounces, knowing the prey won’t flee and risk dripping dirty dishwater all over the floor.

Here’s my advice: let the predator win. After all, what’s more fun: scraping dried yogurt out of cereal bowls or having someone nibble your neck? And don’t just stiffen up and endure it. Stop the scraping. Relax. And yes, a man’s idea of affection is basically a good grope. If your hubby is attracted enough to you to want to grope you–congratulations! Don’t do anything to make him change his mind. Let him play the victorious tiger rejoicing over the spoils of his hunt for a minute, and then you can say something like “Okay Tiger, the sooner I get these dishes washed, the sooner we can get the kids in bed.”

B. Flirt shamelessly. No, not with the cute barista at Starbucks. He’s half your age, for cryin’ in a bucket! I mean with your hubby. Think back to when you first met, when you were trying to get his attention. Bat your eyelashes, smile winsomely. Let him catch you checkin’ out his butt, and then look away bashfully when he catches you. Or don’t look away–wink at him.

Studies show (don’t ask me which studies. I have 831 messages in my inbox. You honestly think I’m the kind of person who can keep up with where I read something?) that touching a man on the right side of his body crosses the physical/emotional attachment..thing. Basically, when you touch them on the right side, it does more than elicit a physical reaction, it also makes them more caring, loving, etc. Use that to your advantage. Trace your fingertip along the edge of his ear. Play with his hair. Drag your fingernails down his bicep. Oh–and when you do, bite your lip and act all hot. Guys love that stuff.

III. LAUGH. See, I put that in all caps. Must be important. One of the biggest mistakes I made for the first decade or so of our marriage was taking everything–including myself–too seriously. I was obsessed with the notion of acting like a “grown-up,” which evidently meant we weren’t supposed to be having any fun. Or rather, that there was a time for fun and a time for business, and never the twain should meet.

How many times have you read or heard that laughter releases endorphins? It’s true. And laughter is a heck of an aphrodisiac. It’s really good at curing self-consciousness, too. Just make sure you laugh with your spouse and at yourself, not the other way around. And take this attitude with you into the boudoir. I’m not talking about wearing a clown wig and cracking jokes (unless your hubby likes that sorta thing…), but lighten up. Intimacy doesn’t have to be some formal, solemn act. It’s supposed to be fun.

Next post: How am I supposed to get anything done when any sentence starting with the words “Will you” qualifies as nagging? Ah–I have the secret! My very favorite marriage tip ever.

Tags: advice, anniversary, dishes, flirting, laugh, Marriage, Starbucks, touch