Posts Tagged ‘ferret’

16
Feb

But it comes with Mickey Ears….

   Posted by: Ashley Moreno    in Parenting, random funny stuff

You would think that if I could build my own house, teach my children algebra, and write a novel, that I could master something as simple as cutting a 4 year-old’s hair.

But you’d be wrong.

I mean, I get the basic concept. I cut the 10 year-old moppy-headed boy’s hair. I do it the old fashioned way, with scissors, because the science behind the electric trimmer thing escapes me. Voodoo–that’s what it is. Some kinda complicated hair voodoo that I totally do not get.

In theory, Mason’s hair should be easier to cut. His head is smaller, and there’s not nearly as much hair on it. But this is MASON’s head we’re talking about—the one that’s attached to MASON’s body, and ruled by MASON’s mind. You can take nothing for granted.

The best—and least traumatic—haircut Mason ever got was at the Main Street Barber Shop in Walt Disney World. That chick made it look easy. First thing she did was slapped about 50 Mickey Mouse stickers all over him—rapid fire: bam-bam-bam-bam-bam—and while he was trying to figure out how all those stickers got on him and what exactly to do about it, she got about 85% of the job done. When the stickers lost their mystery, she reached for a light-up-spin-around-make-lots-of-noise-Buzz-Lightyear toy and finished the other 15%.

For the record, I’ve tried the sticker trick. And the noisy-light-up-spinning-toy-trick. Somehow stuff like that only works if you’re at Disney World—some part of the whole happiest-place-on-Earth-magical-no-crying-in-Disney-World experience.

The fun begins the minute he sees the spray bottle of water. The head goes back, the arms start flailing, and the wailing-and-gnashing-of-teeth begins. Mason gets pretty upset, too….

Part of the problem is that he just doesn’t like me holding onto his hair. But the biggest cause of the trauma boils down to the fact that he inevitably ends up with a mouth full of hair.

It’s a vicious cycle: Mason anticipates the mouth-full-of-hair; Mason screams in anticipation of the mouth-full-of-hair; Mason ends up with a mouth-full-of-hair. Lather (or rather, foam-at-the-mouth), rinse,  repeat. I bought him a visor to alleviate the problem. Great idea, don’t you think? Yeah, wrong again. Turns out the only thing he hates as much as a mouth full of hair is having a visor on his head.

I’ve never been a real stickler for boy-hair maintenance.  The 10 year-old likes his hair long & shaggy. When someone in public mistakenly addresses him as “young lady,” he asks me to cut it, and I do. The Hubby has threatened to march him to a barber shop for a proper buzz-cut, because he swears that after I finish cutting E’s hair, it doesn’t look any different that before. But that’s the way we like it, my moppy-headed boy and me.

But Mason has some eye issues (I know, you thought we were talking about hair, not eyes. I’ll get there). When he was 7 months old, he had surgery for strabismus (lazy eye), and his right eye is still a little weaker. When he gets tired, it drifts every once in a while—just barely. The eye doctor and I are the only ones who notice it. We treat it by putting weekly drops in his good eye which blur his vision enough to make him have to depend on his weak eye, thereby strengthening it. It also works to strengthen my upper body—it’s hard work pinning a ferret down while simultaneously prying his eye open and holding a bottle of eyedrops without letting the tip come into contact with any potentially unsterile surface.

But it means that I try to be careful about not letting his bangs grow out too long. I figure he doesn’t need anything interfering with his vision, bangs included. And I’d hate to think that all of the trauma associated with the eye drops was for nought. 

So as I write this, I’m psyching myself up for the fact that I am, at most, a week away from the dreaded haircut. I’m thinking of doing it on a Friday night, so that I can console myself with a few glasses of wine afterward. I’m also seriously considering giving in to the temptation to just shave his head.

In desperation, I’ve considered taking him back to WDW for a haircut. The nearer the inevitable date-with-the-scissors looms, the more plausible it begins to sound. You thought Slick Willie Clinton’s $250 runway coiffe was expensive? Try $7,000….

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2
Feb

Haiku from the chaos….

   Posted by: Ashley Moreno    in Chaos, Parenting, Writer's Corner, random funny stuff

As a writer, homeschooling mom, and lover of opera, I thought I would inject a little culture into my blog today.  So here, for your reading pleasure, a selection of haiku inspired by my day.

Monday kicked my butt

Nothin’ surprising ’bout that

Me and Monday…ugh.

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Stupid, stupid dog

Shredding diaper on my floor

Why do you eat poo?

*******************************

Wasn’t I just sick?

Run over by a Mack truck.

Go get your own milk.

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Velcro monkey boy

Doesn’t want his diaper changed

I need hazard pay.

***************************************

Up extra early.

Didn’t make any difference.

Always running late.

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Can’t leave in PJs–

My New Year’s Resolution

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

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Garage door opener

won’t close when it gets too cold.

That’s when I need it.

*************************************************

Low Coolant? For Real?

Stupid lying dashboard light.

Hope I make it home….

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Hurk. Hurk. Hurk. Hurk. Hurk.

Someone find the stupid cat!

On my shoe? Lovely….

*********************************************

Wiggles. Veggietales.

Wiggles. Veggietales. Wiggles.

Why some moms take meds.

**********************************************

Ssshh. I am hiding.

They will never find me here.

Dang. I spoke too soon.

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Yes, I know it’s cold.

We don’t own the propane co.

Go put on your socks.

****************************************

Cook, clean, teach, kiss, read.

Dad brought animal crackers.

I am chopped liver.

*********************************************

Thank you God for clothes

Piled in baskets everywhere.

Wish they’d fold themselves….

***********************************

Two bounty hunters

stalking through my living room

They want spaghetti.

*********************************************

Burned the chicken–oops.

What will we have for dinner?

Got no back-up plan.

****************************************

Giggling, snuggling, warm

Hugs and butterfly kisses

Man, I love my life.

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21
Jan

Random…even for me….

   Posted by: Ashley Moreno    in Chaos, random funny stuff

My thought for the day:  Almost nothing is so bad that a little dancing won’t help. Unless you’re as uncoordinated as I am, in which case you could end up stepping on a stray Little People princess, causing you to almost drop the 30-pound-bag-of-water-with-a-ferret-inside that you’ve been struggling to keep on your hip during a particularly lovely little salsa number, at which point you might overcorrect by putting forth increased effort to lift the aquatic-ferret child, throwing your back out and resulting in a conversation with your children about why they are never to say certain words, even if Mommy accidentally says them in cases of extreme stress or pain. Hypothetically speaking, of course….

What’s on my to-do list: You’re probably surprised that someone like me has a to-do list. That’s okay, because I don’t. What I do have is a somewhat tenuous grasp on a vague category of events that need to take place and which will only take place if set into motion by me.

A few of these things at the moment: email Dallas Theater Center about tickets for Death of a Salesman; call propane company–again–and remind them that we’ve had this little chat about them being highway robbers many times before; quickly open washing machine full of wet towels that have been there since Monday and pour in a big slog of white vinegar and re-run the load; work on manuscript; go pick up heartworm medicine at the dog vet; call the horse vet to come check out Ri’s potentially-new horse; —you know what? As much fun as this little exercise is, you and I both know that it ain’t gonna happen. So why don’t I just quit pretending and move on….

What I’m listening to:  The Song of the Yodeling Veterinarian of the Alps. Okay, so I’ve been wanting to do a little “what I’m listening to” for a while now. And in truth, I’d hoped to be listening to something more indicative of my spirit, like Famous Blue Raincoat (Leonard Cohen) or Solitary Man (Neil Diamond).  Maybe some Dvorak, although I find it maddening to actually type “Dvorak” because of that whole missing “zh” thing.

But the soundtrack of my life on this day is—as is so often the case—Veggietales Ultimate Silly Songs. It’s not a total loss, though. I may not get to anything on my to-do list today, but when it’s all said and done I will be able to say that I learned to play Song of the Cebu on the piano. That, at least, is something….

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