Posts Tagged ‘right-of-way’

17
Dec

The rules, they are a changin’….

   Posted by: Ashley Moreno    in Chaos

I’ve never been much of a rule-follower. Not even a guideline-follower, really. I’d like to say it’s because I’m a rebel like that–and it might have been true, once-upon-a-time. But these days it’s more a product of the fact that while someone is telling me the rule, I’m most likely wrestling my $300 perscription sunglasses away from the Velcro-Monkey, or talking she-of-the-raging-hormones down from an anxiety attack, or keeping the Soundtrack from strangling the Narrator (or vice-versa), and even if it remotely registers that someone is imparting some sort of high wisdom, the chances of me actually processing, retaining, and later recalling it later are somewhat more remote than the chance of The Hubby buying into my whole “I’m not behind on laundry, I’ve implemented a just-in-time clothing inventory system” spiel. Which I’m sticking to anyway, if you’re interested….

What did this post start out as? Oh—rules. Right. I try to follow the obvious ones. Stick a big ol’ reflective sign in my face, and I’m on board. It’s those little rules of life that smack me upside the head, give me a wedgie, and steal my lunch money. Truth be told, my life veers so far from the ordinary that most of the rules out there don’t really apply to me. I mean, if I were in an accident, whether I had on clean underwear wouldn’t be nearly as relevant as the fact that I FINALLY got the mirrors all perfectly readjusted from the last time The Hubby drove the car—and now they’re going to be all messed up again.

One thing I know for sure is that the rules that would have salvaged one day will be, for the most part, completely useless the next, which might just be the single greatest contributing factor to my particular brand of incompetence.

So here are (in no particular order) an indeterminate (what–you think I have any idea how many there are going to be ahead of time?) number of rules I wish I had taken into account in the past 24 hours.

1. Not all drivers will automatically yield the right-of-way to pedestrians. Not even pedestrians with 4 children in tow crossing the parking lot in 25 degree weather.

2. “The Mixer” is not a 2-person appliance. While it might seem efficient for one person to plug the mixer in while the other attaches the beaters, mixer operation should be limited to one person.

3. Always make sure the mixer is in the “OFF” position before putting it away.

4. Always make sure the mixer is in the “OFF” position before attaching the beaters…even if it’s unplugged at the time.

5. When your pinky finger is stuck in the mixer beaters, screaming “OH S**T!!! WHYDIDYOUPLUGITIN???” could result in your 10 year-old son requiring lifelong therapy.

6. God really knew what he was doing when he put on our pinky fingers. He stuck ‘em on there really well….

7. Making 3 pies at once means any mistake in execution (for example, adding whole eggs instead of only yokes…hypothetically speaking, of course) results in 3 ruined pies.

8. “…without making a mess…” means different things to different people. Especially when eggs are involved.

9. When you drop a cookie, catching it between your leg and the cabinet to keep it from hitting the floor is a valid solution. When you drop an egg, notsomuch….

10. Never give a 10 year old boy a skillet as a tool for crushing peppermints. Unless, that is, you always thought that skillet was just a little too perfectly round to begin with.

11. A trailer hitch ball makes a perfect peppermint crusher.

12. Don’t drop your peppermint crusher on your toe.

13. If you are going to wear pajama bottoms and houseshoes out of the house, you need to be aware that there’s always the possibility that your car could break down, and you could be stranded on the side of the road for 2-1/2 hours waiting for a tow truck in pajama bottoms and houseshoes. In 30 degree weather. 20 minutes from home.

14. Always go to the bathroom before leaving the house. You never know when your car could break down, and you could be stranded on the side of the road for 2-1/2 hours waiting for a tow truck.

15. Wear real shoes. You never know when your car could break down, and you could be stranded on the side of the road for 2-1/2 hours waiting for a tow truck, and have to go to the ladies room so bad that when your hubby shows up you have to borrow his van to drive to the gas station to use the bathroom (leaving him there waiting for the tow truck) and end up having to walk into a public restroom in your houseshoes.

16. Even though modern headlights come on automatically, it is a good idea to familiarize yourself with the process of activating them manually in the event that you somehow bump something on the dashboard and inadvertently turn your headlights OFF while driving down a pitch-black, winding country road while being followed by your husband, who assumes your car has completely failed, and jumps to the conclusion that you must have subsequently suffered a heart attackand died, accounting for the fact that you drove across the opposite lane and almost into a ditch before finally smacking the right button and turning the lights back on. Hypothetically speaking, of course….

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18
Oct

You say ‘rant,’ I say ‘making the world a better place’….

   Posted by: Ashley Moreno    in random funny stuff

Once upon a time, I considered writing self-help books. Only problem was that I’ve never really been good enough at anything, and I’m fairly certain you have to have mastered the topic in question before you can credibly impart your wisdom to others.

But in the midst of this chaos and ineptitude that I live with on a daily basis, I do occasionally find isolated gems of wisdom that—while they don’t completely elevate me to the status of “ept”—make me at least feel like I have something to offer to make the world a little better place.

1.  Quit teaching your kids to “cover their cough/sneeze with their hand.” I know, it’s what they told us to do when we were kids. But when you think about it, spraying your bodily fluids into your hand is even more germalicious than just spraying them into the air. I mean, a kid (or a grown-up) sneezes or coughs into their hand, and then proceeds to touch doorknobs and shared markers and desktops and waterfountain buttons and faucet handles, not to mention other kids. Eeewww. 

Solution: Cough into the crook of your elbow. You hardly ever see people going around grabbing stuff with the crook of their elbow, right? 

2.  While we’re on the topic of germs, next time you’re in the produce section, watch a mom as she picks out apples. Chances are she won’t just grab five apples and drop them into her bag. No, she’ll carefully consider each one, turning them to inspect for bruises or holes, and in the process she’s bound to touch nearly every apple in the bin before selecting her five.

You know where her hands have been? I have seen mothers (guilty whistling) change diapers in their car before they head into the grocery store. Most moms are also obsessive about the cleanliness of the various orifices in their children’s heads, and will attend to such hygeine before taking their little darlings into a public venue. And I’m going to tell you something else: when it comes to anti-bacterial hand gel, we all see it as something that protects US from other peoples germs, so the liklihood that someone is going to squirt on some sanitizer BEFORE going into the store is about 0.0004%.

I’m not trying to dissuade you from eating produce. But when you think about all the people who’ve touched it (not to mention the people who actually picked it—they don’t have restrooms with hot running water and soap out in the middle of the orchards), doesn’t it make sense to scrub it with a little soap and water BEFORE you eat it?

3.  “Neil Diamond” and “Barry Manilow” should never be mentioned in the same sentence, unless the connecting words are “…rocks way harder than….” And that really doesn’t make sense, given that Barry Manilow doesn’t rock at all. If you doubt the veracity of my statement (the part about Neil Diamond, not the part about Barry Manilow. I mean, the fact that Barry Manilow doesn’t rock isn’t exactly up for debate, right?), then you obviously haven’t dipped your toes any further into the greatness that is Neil Diamond than “Sweet Caroline” and “Forever in Bluejeans.”  So before you mock me, go old school. Do a YouTube search on Solitary Man; Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation Show; Cherry Cherry; You Got To Me; Kentucky Woman; Thank The Lord For the Nighttime; Holly Holy. Until then, it’s really not up for debate.

4.  DRIVERS: Pedestrians have the right of way. Especially pedestrians crossing parking lots with three children in tow and one more on their hip. You are in a climate controlled vehicle listening to your choice of tunes on your CD player. They are walking in the heat and humidity or the cold or the rain or the wind, listening to the sounds of children who have already begun the begging even before they’ve crossed the threshold. Yield.

5.  PEDESTRIANS: When crossing a parking lot in front of a waiting car, would it kill you to walk STRAIGHT across the lane instead of DIAGONALLY? I mean, we all remember that the hypoteneuse of a triangle is longer than the base, right? And while I’m on the subject—I’m not saying you should actually run, but if you slow down on purpose just because you know I have to wait for you…well, I guess there’s not really anything I can do short of running you down. But lets just say that if while your ambling across the road in front of me a grackle poops on your head, I’m going to laugh at you and not even feel bad about it. So there.

6. The word “with” is a preposition. It begs for an object. Please, be kind to poor neglected “with” and give it the object it so rightly deserves.  Should I explain? Okay: “Do you want to come with?” My head nearly exploded just typing that. Junior year of high school, my English class dared Mrs. J to say “ain’t” after learning that she had never uttered that simple, maligned syllable. Ever the good sport, she did–and in the process had a complete conniption fit. I thought someone was going to have to get the nurse. Now I know how she felt. It’s just wrong–”with…..me? them? the nice police officer?”  Some rules are just set in stone….

There you have it, 6 principles that could drastically improve life on this planet. Or at least challenge me to find new things to complain about….

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