Once upon a time, I considered writing self-help books. Only problem was that I’ve never really been good enough at anything, and I’m fairly certain you have to have mastered the topic in question before you can credibly impart your wisdom to others.

But in the midst of this chaos and ineptitude that I live with on a daily basis, I do occasionally find isolated gems of wisdom that—while they don’t completely elevate me to the status of “ept”—make me at least feel like I have something to offer to make the world a little better place.

1.  Quit teaching your kids to “cover their cough/sneeze with their hand.” I know, it’s what they told us to do when we were kids. But when you think about it, spraying your bodily fluids into your hand is even more germalicious than just spraying them into the air. I mean, a kid (or a grown-up) sneezes or coughs into their hand, and then proceeds to touch doorknobs and shared markers and desktops and waterfountain buttons and faucet handles, not to mention other kids. Eeewww. 

Solution: Cough into the crook of your elbow. You hardly ever see people going around grabbing stuff with the crook of their elbow, right? 

2.  While we’re on the topic of germs, next time you’re in the produce section, watch a mom as she picks out apples. Chances are she won’t just grab five apples and drop them into her bag. No, she’ll carefully consider each one, turning them to inspect for bruises or holes, and in the process she’s bound to touch nearly every apple in the bin before selecting her five.

You know where her hands have been? I have seen mothers (guilty whistling) change diapers in their car before they head into the grocery store. Most moms are also obsessive about the cleanliness of the various orifices in their children’s heads, and will attend to such hygeine before taking their little darlings into a public venue. And I’m going to tell you something else: when it comes to anti-bacterial hand gel, we all see it as something that protects US from other peoples germs, so the liklihood that someone is going to squirt on some sanitizer BEFORE going into the store is about 0.0004%.

I’m not trying to dissuade you from eating produce. But when you think about all the people who’ve touched it (not to mention the people who actually picked it—they don’t have restrooms with hot running water and soap out in the middle of the orchards), doesn’t it make sense to scrub it with a little soap and water BEFORE you eat it?

3.  “Neil Diamond” and “Barry Manilow” should never be mentioned in the same sentence, unless the connecting words are “…rocks way harder than….” And that really doesn’t make sense, given that Barry Manilow doesn’t rock at all. If you doubt the veracity of my statement (the part about Neil Diamond, not the part about Barry Manilow. I mean, the fact that Barry Manilow doesn’t rock isn’t exactly up for debate, right?), then you obviously haven’t dipped your toes any further into the greatness that is Neil Diamond than “Sweet Caroline” and “Forever in Bluejeans.”  So before you mock me, go old school. Do a YouTube search on Solitary Man; Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation Show; Cherry Cherry; You Got To Me; Kentucky Woman; Thank The Lord For the Nighttime; Holly Holy. Until then, it’s really not up for debate.

4.  DRIVERS: Pedestrians have the right of way. Especially pedestrians crossing parking lots with three children in tow and one more on their hip. You are in a climate controlled vehicle listening to your choice of tunes on your CD player. They are walking in the heat and humidity or the cold or the rain or the wind, listening to the sounds of children who have already begun the begging even before they’ve crossed the threshold. Yield.

5.  PEDESTRIANS: When crossing a parking lot in front of a waiting car, would it kill you to walk STRAIGHT across the lane instead of DIAGONALLY? I mean, we all remember that the hypoteneuse of a triangle is longer than the base, right? And while I’m on the subject—I’m not saying you should actually run, but if you slow down on purpose just because you know I have to wait for you…well, I guess there’s not really anything I can do short of running you down. But lets just say that if while your ambling across the road in front of me a grackle poops on your head, I’m going to laugh at you and not even feel bad about it. So there.

6. The word “with” is a preposition. It begs for an object. Please, be kind to poor neglected “with” and give it the object it so rightly deserves.  Should I explain? Okay: “Do you want to come with?” My head nearly exploded just typing that. Junior year of high school, my English class dared Mrs. J to say “ain’t” after learning that she had never uttered that simple, maligned syllable. Ever the good sport, she did–and in the process had a complete conniption fit. I thought someone was going to have to get the nurse. Now I know how she felt. It’s just wrong–”with…..me? them? the nice police officer?”  Some rules are just set in stone….

There you have it, 6 principles that could drastically improve life on this planet. Or at least challenge me to find new things to complain about….

Tags: advice, antibacterial hand gel, apples, Barry Manilow, Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show, Chaos, Cherry Cherry, cough, drivers, Forever in Bluejeans, germs, hand sanitizer, Holly Holy, hypoteneuse, ineptitude, Neil Diamond, pedestrians, preposition, right-of-way, self-help, sneeze, sneezing in your hand, Sweet Caroline, Thank the Lord for The Nighttime, triangle, You Got To Me